


Is He Looking?

by freddiejoey



Category: Arthur of the Britons
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-30
Updated: 2011-08-30
Packaged: 2017-10-23 06:11:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/247090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/freddiejoey/pseuds/freddiejoey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Teenage Kai and Arthur grapple with their feelings for each other</p>
            </blockquote>





	Is He Looking?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ideserveyou](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ideserveyou/gifts).



Part One

“Daddy, why are you called Kai?” I guide my horse cautiously up the ridge above the village, five-year-old Maeve perched behind me, her arms criss-crossed determinedly around my waist. “Because that’s the name your Uncle Arthur gave me when I came to live in the village, after Grandad Llud found me. A Celtic name.”

Silently Maeve ponders this in her usual thorough fashion. “So what was your name before?”

“It was Bret honey. My Saxon name.”

More contemplative silence. “Which do you like better?”

“I’ve been Kai for most of my life. It’s simply my name now, pretty girl – just like my eyes are brown and I have a very inquisitive daughter. Facts of life that I can’t change and would never want to.”

“Hmmmm………….Daddy, where do babies come from?”

This time I chuckle quietly. “The piskies bring them.”

Maeve’s high-pitched giggling. “You’re being funny……..Auntie Wena’s having another baby and Uncle Arthur doesn’t really look like a pisky.”

(Well, when he wears that delicious fleecy cap that Olwen gave him, he certainly does, although better not think of it now.) “Alright, if you already knew why did you ask ?”

“Because I wanted to hear what silly nonsense you’d tell me Daddy – though I don’t know everything, just what Kaitlin told me……… that somehow a man and a lady………..Well, whatever you and Mummy did to make me.”

(A night when Lenni and I had been roaring drunk after a village wedding…….falling into bed in the healer’s hut……….shrieking with uproarious laughter………..Lenni’s flying fingers, “Fuck the eagle stones……..into the lap of the gods”………..and hence Maeve……………No, not something to be confessed for the next……..oh twenty years at least.)

Smiling to myself, I knee my horse forward. Kaitlin, as typically precocious as I’d always expected Arthur’s firstborn would be. And just as typically obstinate as I can remember her father being at nine.

Cresting the ridge, the estuary lays below us. A brilliant blue in the hazy autumnal sunshine. Reaching behind me, I balance my daughter on the horse’s neck, a steadying arm around her knees. “Now sweetheart, can you see what we came to find?” Squinting diligently, Maeve peers out across the bright water, one small hand shading her eyes. Then she squeals excitedly, pointing.

“Over there Daddy, to the west, the Aquitania trader.” And so it is, sailing neatly toward the coastline. Therefore, bartering and buying tomorrow. Supplies to be replenished, spears lost at Baden Hill to be replaced and a few luxuries to deliberate over. Never as varied a choice of goods as those proffered by his Greek competitor – but sometimes a more exotic selection.

We are halfway back to the village before Maeve asks the question that sets me speculating – and recollecting. A question that I was once asked long ago, in similar circumstances – but, at a time, when I was buffeted by such an emotional tempest that one day my heart would wing like a lark and the next lie trampled in the winter mud like slivered chaff.

This morning Lenni cut my hair and it is shorter than usual, not even skimming the collar of my tunic. Which, I suppose, is why Maeve unexpectedly notices the faded sickle blemish marking the curve of my neck. “How did you get that scar Daddy?” Giving almost the same answer I once offered Krist. “A gift from your Uncle Arthur.”

Without looking, I know that her brow is furrowed in thought. “You must have had a bad quarrel……..funny, you never quarrel now. Did you fight over a game?”

The game of love……..

“Not exactly honey. Boyish rot and rubbish really – as Grandad Llud said back then. If we’d still been young enough he would have leathered us into the next year and back again. But we were a little too old by then.”

“How old?”

“Oh I must have been eighteen and Uncle Arthur sixteen I think. Still boys yet wanting to be men. Always lots of quarrels between brothers around then. Before they grow up a bit more and settle down.”

Or before their hearts finally find their true home………

Maeve though has found another interesting topic to occupy her thoughts.

“So, did it hurt much when you were leathered?”

I splutter with laughter. “Oh yes……..not sitting down for a week was fairly common. Like most things that he does, Grandad Llud did a painstaking job when he leathered.”

I'm aware that, try hard as she might, Maeve cannot imagine it. Her lovely indulgent grandfather……no, surely not. Although, in her experience, neither Arthur nor I are prone to exaggeration or scaremongering - so it must be true. I can almost read her thoughts as we canter home: “How extraordinary. The adult world never ceases to amaze.”

By the time we reach our village, the sunset is painting the lake in soothing hues of gold and lilac. It had been just on dusk when Arthur bequeathed me the scar too, up there where the track above the lake arches toward the woods………punching and clawing…….rolling in the undergrowth……..my fist slamming into Arthur’s eye……the bite of the knife at my neck and the warmth of spurting blood…….Llud’s towering rage…………my guilt, stumbling into Lenni’s hut, since her mother Ana was so newly dead and I was restoring her anguish all over again………

Almost as impossible to envisage now, as it is for Maeve to picture Llud industriously leathering his sons for their sins. Now, when the sight of Arthur, waving at us from the stables as we ride through the palisade, is the most exquisite homecoming on earth.

Suddenly, for no reason other than I am alive and happy and deliriously in love, I am overwhelmed by tears. Hot and heavy behind my eyes. Not very convenient since confirming the Aquitania trader’s presence in the estuary isn’t really a tragedy. Furiously I blink them away, handing Maeve down to Llud, leading my horse around to the stables.

Arthur's tender smile. “You smell fragrant my Kai.....of sea air and sunshine and promise.” The graze of my little brother’s silken lips soon banishing any residual foolishness.

Not even the purported cause of that ancient argument is here any more – long gone to a Cornish marriage. Last time we were in Mark’s village, shortly before the new treaty with Cerdig was sworn, I saw her – still bonny if rather plump and the mother of five or six handsome children, most almost grown. Well, she was always exceedingly pretty, no more than that, shapely and……..rather ravishing I suppose. A good thing too - it would have made no sense to blame her partiality back then if she had looked like singed pottage……………

 

Scars inevitably tell their own admonishing tales……….those we can see…….. and those we cannot, yet which often never fully scab over, scars of the heart……..

The visible ones are always easier to deal with. Some of Lenni’s aromatic salve, rendered from cypress and crushed daftodi root, will smooth away the rough crust. Certainly it has worked its blanching magic where the Pictish knife entered my back……….where Hoxel’s axe savagely slashed Kai’s side………where Llud’s silver hand joins his true flesh.

Yet these are all from wounds inflicted by enemies – painful yes, but endurable simply because they are not entwined with guilt. Rage and resentment are far easier companions to placate.

It is the scars that the eye cannot discern which fester the longest, perhaps till the end of time.

If only that sickle mark had been made by a Scottish blade………

However, the blemish on the slope of Kai’s neck perfectly matches its shadowy twin……that raw crescent forever adorning my heart, etched there by contrition during my sixteenth summer. Most of the time I can put the wretched memory aside – albeit, sometimes during passion, when I sweep aside that blonde gossamer to brush my lips there…….

Today at the midday meal though…… Lenni’s shearing was a little more enthusiastic than usual this morning. So while she sets out the boar, I jokingly tell her that henceforth I will have to suffer the wind whistling across my nape, because now my hair hardly reaches my jaw. “But she does everything with ardour, don’t you my pretty? Besides you’re not the only one suddenly skirmishing the breeze little brother, don’t be such a milksop ” says Kai mischievously, leaning forward to spear an especially succulent slice on his dagger. And there it is, silvery sickle against his ivory skin, where the knife bit deep, filling my nostrils with the metallic taint of blood as it sliced……..

What did Rolf the Preacher once call his slain brother’s sword? A reminder and a reproach? Well, my big brother’s scar is both and infinitely more. Although I cannot simply mend matters by breaking something across my knee as I did long ago in Mark’s village.

Later, when Kai and Maeve return from scouting the Aquitania trader, I make sure that I am in the stables. Kissing him with greed and yearning and rapture. “Mmmmm.” Kai pulls away, smiling softly. “What was that for?” I press my forehead to his, close my eyes. “Just to remind you how very much you are loved.”

When I gaze up at him, my big brother looks so tender that I want to weep. No man deserves so much……….. “Well beloved, you can remind me as often as you like – in fact please do. But you don’t strictly need to……….I already know.” Claiming my mouth again in a kiss that reduces my innards to fire and water……….

 

So, what others might consider a wholly unremarkable ordinary day – which is actually quite remarkable and completely extraordinary, as is every day shared with Arthur and with our family. Wrapped around by love, brimming with laughter, melting into tomorrow.

Still, I'm restless that night – sleep does not come easily and then only in shallow bursts. When baby Ren too decides that he is troubled, even after Lenni’s midnight suckling, I readily gather up my youngest son and go back to sit in front of the fire. No use disturbing everyone’s slumber (although if you can sleep through Llud’s snoring, you could reasonably sleep through an invasion by the Scots.) “ Getting teeth probably” Lenni signs drowsily before giving me a dozy smile, a grateful kiss and ensconcing herself again among the sheepskins.

On the way past Arthur’s bed, I glance down, smiling. Not much room in there these days, what with my little brother's sprawling limbs, Rowena's swelling belly and Shannyn - who climbs from her pallet to wedge herself between her parents almost as soon as the candles are blown out most nights.

My beautiful Arthur........ angelic in the moonlight, as he always has been........ How is it possible to love someone so absolutely, to be so utterly in love, for someone to complete you so entirely? Yet somehow it is, each dawn the miracle reborn anew……..

Out in the main room of the longhouse, Ren’s blue eyes look up me with owl-like solemnity. Warm and well-fed, fleece completely dry. We sit in Arthur’s great carved chair, sharing the quiet. “Two of a kind, you and I tonight little one. You, rattled by the future and me stupidly grieved by the past.” Just as gravely, Ren’s dark head lolls against my shoulder and he snuffles softly into sleep.

Carefully I rise to my feet, using one of the chair arms to steady myself. Better go back to the sleeping chamber and seek what rest we can before the cock crows. Then, settling Ren into the crook of my neck, my fingers whisper against the crescent scar and the thought comes…unbidden……….unwelcome…….unwanted……..Her name was Rianna……

 

Part Two

Is he looking? Yes he is……..shit……..close my eyes and pretend to be asleep…….I have been transformed into some sort of ludicrous, hankering, lustful, lovesick goat.........By fucking Apollo, what is wrong with me?........ Calm down Arthur…….Just breath……..in and out………He can’t hear how wildly your heart is beating………..can’t see how hard you are under the sheepskins………..surely can’t be wondering why you’re looking at your big brother in the moonlight like a besotted moonstruck girl?

Is he looking? My raven-haired angel, glowing in the moon’s radiance …………Oh, for fuck’s sake, do you think you’re a bloody poet now?……..you are completely moonsick, Kai, nothing more or less. Your little brother……Go to Lenni tomorrow and ask what she prescribes for those who have cast their wits into the lake………….and turn over so that you stop gaping………and he can’t possibly spy your rigid cock……….No, this is ridiculous and it stops now……..cock stiffer than ever………..Holy Christ………..and I think he was looking, just pretending to be asleep…………shit

“You two laggards, hurry up and get out of bed. Anyone would think you'd spent half the night pining for the moon like a pair of daft maidens.” Llud looks at Kai and I, amused. We are both still blinking sleepily, still wrapped around by fleeces and dreams – and it is way past daybreak. God he looks beautiful, freshly woken, all blonde and tousled and willowy…….. heavy-lidded brown eyes……. sensuous mouth…….. golden skin……… bristling flaxen stubble……….taut rosy nipples……….huge, ripe, burgeoning, bolt-upright, unyielding- as-granite morning glory……………

“Arthur!” Llud becoming increasingly annoyed. “Stop staring at your brother like a dolt and start looking alive. One of you needs to come with me to the boys’ weapons training and the other to ride out with Lenni to Eiddoel the charcoal burner. His boy has a bad cough – and since Ana is no longer with us………” A shadow of sorrow passes across his face.

Lenni’s mother died last winter of the bloody flux – an agonizing death. And Lenni has been stricken by guilt and grief in equal measure, since her healing skills could not preserve that most precious to her.

Easy now to know who is the most beloved person in the world for our pretty little village healer – something I have known since the Beltane fires four years ago when Lenni and I were both twelve and Kai fourteen. My big brother has no idea – although how you could not guess………

For Llud, Ana’s death has been another sundering of the past, another fragmented link in that cherished thread reaching back to my first father Travon and Lenni’s father March, to his wife Cerys and son Shannyn, to Vala…….. I know that Llud was much more than fond of Ana, as were we all. The closest thing that Kai and I have had to a mother in the longhouse since Vala rode away northwards…….

So this morning, if I was being generous, I would let Kai take Lenni to Eiddoel’s and stay with Llud and the wooden swords. After all, it is not my waist that she wants to grasp as the horse saunters along through the molten autumn sunshine. Yet, after the unsettled night I have just passed, the notion of yelling “defence wall” and “shield arms higher” all morning is somehow unendurable.

While we break our fast, I persuade Kai that he should remain with Llud since his superior axe-work will be so invaluable. How much better to learn defence wall tactics with a real axe-yielding Saxon? (I also become entranced with the way Kai licks Lenni’s blackberry preserves from his slender fingers but let us not dwell on that.)

Predictably Lenni seems a little disappointed when I ride up to her hut while Kai waves jauntily on his way past to the practice ground with our father. Never say though that Ana did not teach her daughter courtesy and gratitude. If she sighs it is inwardly. I am given a brilliant smile and we set off. (Again, let us not linger on the question of who looks back more longingly at a certain glorious arse in tight tight black breeches demonstrating how to parry……..and thrust…….not a word I should be allowed to even envisage in my mind or Lenni and I will be in dire peril of tumbling straight off horseback into the river……..)

It is restful to trot along through the russet woods, although it does perhaps give you far too much time for reflection. About how the feel of Lenni’s plump round breasts bumping against my back is making my prick swell again. About the night last summer when I had my first and as yet only girl ( a lovely adventure that I am eager to repeat.) About Kai’s preparatory instructions, delivered with a dazzling gleeful grin, “fondle her nipples, it drives women wild……..perhaps don’t expect your weasel to be sucked the first time, but when it is……well, heaven can wait………and when you know that IT is going to ensue, get out quickly,…….breasts or belly, probably not her mouth……yet……..”

Most of all though, how during the last month I have fallen head over arse over tit over cock in love………with Kai, my big brother…………

Because that is what it is – love, in all its intensity and wilfulness and wonder. Lust and obsession, passion and desire are all rearing their ravening heads too (as well as another increasingly fervent rearing head to which I need not make obvious reference.) But, essentially it is love……that makes the stars wheel…….the moon shimmer…..the sun dance……..

(Ah, our pretensions at sixteen………..)

And no other man or boy even moves me to longing in my little finger. It is only Kai……….I am utterly lost and I need never be found. Most of all he makes me deliriously happy – and I want to make him smile forever………..

Of course he must never know……..can never know……..it must remain my secret, evermore concealed within the deepest cavities of my heart, eternally shrouded like the most exquisite vestal.

There is simply no other way and to imagine otherwise will lead to madness…….

By the time we reach Eiddoel’s hut, I am actually feeling relatively normal. It has been settling to rustle through the bronze and tawny leaves with a worthwhile destination in mind. Lenni is soothing company – and least of all because she is a mute. Many people think that she is simply a quiet little creature, scuttling about dispensing herbs and salves in silence. They could not be more wrong – she is witty and bright, wily and lively. As well as one of the most loyal, wise and sensual women ever created (all traits that I will eventually be able to swear to through first hand experience.)

Now Lenni gives Eiddoel’s small son a remedy of horseradish and horehound and we share the midday meal with his other strapping boys and freckle-faced wife. They are far too deferential with me because I am their chieftain – far more relaxed with Lenni whose father March was some sort of distant kin. Still it is pleasant to merely sit and eat fresh venison and drink good strong ale. Without the need to hide your flaring cock under your cloak or the table because Kai has mead running in a delicious golden stream down his delicious golden chin……..

Cantering along homewards, with Lenni perched in front this time, I try to talk about straightforward sensible topics to which she can easily sign her answers, topics that will not readily lead to complex deliberations for both of us – alright, let’s be honest, the only topic we both need to avoid in this case is Kai and we do not have to specifically refer to him if we keep to nice neutral subjects like the harvest and forthcoming village weddings and when the Greek trader is due next.

Alright, to be frank again – no doubt both of us are thinking of nothing but Kai as we avidly discuss barley and nuptial wreaths and bartering. Yet that has simply become as inevitable as drawing breath (although Lenni already has four years head start on me.) We are alive and here, therefore we are in love with Kai. As forthright as that.

Then, as we near the river, my horse puts its hoof into a badger sett and almost stumbles. Lenni is thrown heavily against my groin and the unavoidable occurs. Hard and throbbing. Making her blush to the roots of her dark hair as well as giggle (since I know she is still a maiden.) Making me chuckle with delight as well as turn scarlet. Making us grin at each other in rueful embarrassment. Giving me a sudden inspiration……….

What I need to do is become seriously interested in another girl. Couple with someone new as Kai does so frequently. (The question is not which local girls Kai has bedded, but which ones he has not and if not, why not?) It won’t conquer my love for my big brother and nor would I want it to. To lose that feeling now would be akin to losing a limb – only immeasurably worse. Yet it will be a healthy distraction and in any case, I need the experience. One day I will be expected to take a wife.

Therefore, let the gods determine the outcome. I resolve that the first personable, suitable girl that we encounter in the village will do (Ah, our arrogance at sixteen.)

Plainly it cannot be Lenni, much as I am smitten by her and do love her in my own way. Her heart was given long ago and I would not hurt her for the world. No, someone else……..already betrothed perhaps……..a little older………a little more adept than me (well, that would be just about any girl with a ruptured twat.) And of course, I can always seek out my learned big brother for timely advice.

As we ride through the palisade I look around keenly, Lenni following the direction of my gaze with shrewd interest. Not Alvy, she is newly married………..not Nuala, as far as I can glean she is Kai’s most recent conquest…….not Sulwyn, widowed just half a year and still grieving…………and the very next girl that I see, walking toward the water trough, swinging her wooden bucket, is Rianna………

Part Three

Rianna? Graceful and captivating, lovely hair, glossy like a peregrine falcon’s plumage, magnificent eyes, the colour of dried peppercorns, pale, glistening, ripe breasts. An appealing girl in anyone’s eyes. A girl that any red-blooded man would desire. So it has seemed only natural………….

Oh, pull the other one and smear it with boar grease Kai. Prevaricate…garble…   
lie………..

Certainly I have had………well, what can be safely termed a sufficiency of girls since I was fourteen and Llud discreetly started to ask about my constantly sticky fleeces. Not long after he even more discreetly arranged for one of the older village girls to……educate and initiate me………very very nice and so it has remained. Only getting better with time and experience.

I love girls’ twats, all hot and wet, tight and hungry. Their titties, all firm and flushed, honey soft and heavy. Their scent, all musky and sweet, dewy and juicy.

I’m not sure exactly why I’ve been so lucky. Perhaps it’s the novelty of having a Saxon before they go on to safe Celtic marriages. Or the fact that my trouser trout, is shall we say, more generous than the average mutton dagger. I’ve looked…….surreptitiously when we’ve been bathing in the river……….and it is no flattery to admit that yes, I have been amply endowed. Arthur’s too is rather larger and straighter and more comely and stronger than the normal willy………..oh dear………have I admitted……….?

Here we are then, back at the root of the problem……..and root is a very apt word to use in this case………….

Alright, just declare the truth Kai. We are going to get precisely nowhere if you beat around the bush…………Very well (breathing in deeply)………..I am unrestrainedly……..wide open…………..in full gallop………….oh damn it………I am madly in love with Arthur, my little brother, my chieftain, he who commands my loyalty as a warrior and a lieutenant. Have been for……..oh, a good few months now……….will be………oh, forever.

Actually, that was sort of relieving………the monks are right, confession being cleansing for the soul. Then let us continue. I have never been in love with a girl this way and never expect to be. Although I have lusted after a few boys, that’s all it was – raw wanton appetite.

What I feel for Arthur…………Well, of course I have always loved him, since the day Llud brought me home. Loved and adored and admired. This though is completely……overwhelming. My heart has been routed and scattered to the four winds – and it is the most wondrous surrender in the world.

I suppose many of our people see Arthur as quite serious and even severe – weighed down by the responsibilities of command, grappling to be a leader and a scholar, strictly held under Llud’s tutelage since he was a young child. And yes, he is all of these things but also so much more. He’s kind and funny (Arthur has a very keen sense of humour, although it may not often be on public display), courageous and loyal, self-deprecating and joyous………..and just simply beautiful. Beautiful beyond words……..beyond belief…………

The hardest part………(again, probably not the most appropriate semblance to employ………. yet, what the hell, it’s all one and the same really)………I can never ever confess it to him. I want to stand in the middle of the village and shout it out aloud, tell the province, all of Britannia, the world…………

Instead it will always be my burden alone, to bear as best I can for the rest of my life. Arthur already likes girls and one day he will have to marry. Preordained, set in stone. So, you see, there is no possible way ever…………Even if he felt the same way which he decidedly does not.

Something plainly confirmed all over again during the last few days with his relentless pursuit of Rianna. He is suddenly absolutely besotted. Offering to carry her water back from the well. Bringing her wild flowers (alright, he inveigled Lenni into picking them for him but the thought is there.) Persuading Llud that her family could use a spare barrel of mead and a string of rabbits from the store hut (given begrudgingly by our father who firmly believes that all villagers should be able to fend for themselves, the mead of course being a more contentious donation than the rabbits.)

It is all very sweet and innocent and natural……………and I am so bloody envious that the gall threatens to throttle my throat. The next step is for them to find a nice quiet hut or secluded glade in the woods and let matters proceed to their logical pleasurable conclusion. Rianna is nineteen and has already had a few swains. After next Yule she will be off to Mark’s kingdom and a marriage to one of Herrick’s younger brothers. What could be more suitable for our handsome youthful chieftain? Whatever is wrong?

I’ll proclaim what – I want it to be me. Not that I want to fuck Rianna instead of Arthur doing it………. I want to be fucked by Arthur, instead of him fucking Rianna. I want his taut thrusting cock in my hole, in my mouth, squirting his creamy come, letting me lick his hot milky issue, kissing that lush mouth.

Just the mere thought of it makes me utterly faint……………

So the tender courtship continues for another week or so. Even Llud starts to find it rather winsome. And for some unaccountable, perfectly unrelated reason, I lose all craving for the beauteous Nuala who has welcomed me among her fleeces since last summer. Regretfully the arrangement dwindles away.

Then……….Vaddon, another young warrior and I are working in the forge, stripped to our breeches. It is sweltering heavy work and Padraig the blacksmith is never a barrel of laughs. Surly and taciturn on a good day. Clearly this is not one of those since he’s more churlish than ever.

Into view come Arthur and Rianna, he talking very seriously about the need to check our warning systems at least weekly, she nodding prettily, enjoying the prominence and recognition. Rianna looks glowing and comely, wearing a very fetching blue gown that I would wager is new, her shining hair rippling down her back. In other words, her everyday self.

While Arthur looks………well, just like Arthur invariably does too………. but here………there are no words although I can stumble and falter and inevitably, miserably fail if you like……….alright, angelic and bewitching and well-formed and dazzling and divine and………..

Vaddon bursts into uproarious laughter, earning another boorish frown from Padraig. “Hey Kai………..trying to invade your little brother’s territory are you?” Clapping me jubilantly on the shoulder. Making a meaningful gesture toward my groin.

And there it is…………threatening to erupt my breeches………the most resplendent throbbing gristle you are ever likely to see………….

Padraig curiously follows the direction of Vaddon’s amused gaze and gives an unsurprised grunt, simply turning back to the fire as if he is accosted by such tantalizing offers every day. But I am immediately plunged into uncertainty and despair. Thinking that if I don’t act on my supposed instincts all the village will guess and know……….Arthur will somehow fathom the true state of my heart (see, how moonstruck I had become)………what with gossip being so rife.

(Of course, I was being foolhardy and precipitate. Everyone inevitably assumed that I was pitching a tent over Rianna and nothing more. I should have just made some silly irreverent remark to Vaddon and let it go. But in my already overwrought condition, wrung dry by weeks of secrecy and hankering and self-condemnation – well, sense and reason weren’t exactly holding sway…………If I made no effort, someone would tally the sticks and reach the correct amount. Someone would realise that it was not Rianna I really wanted. Vaddon was such an inveterate prattler; Padriag would no doubt make some blunt telling remark to his wife and daughters, cackling blabbermouths all……….)

There seems nothing else for it…………

In palliation, Rianna does not take much persuasion. Flattered she may have been by Arthur’s tremulous attentions, but I’m not sure how far he would have realistically gotten, rabbits and mead and flowers notwithstanding. After finishing at the forge (and stopping by the privy for an urgent tug-of-war-with-Cyclops) , I merely take a quick bath in a warm bucket, throw on a fresh shirt, comb my hair……and wait for Arthur to ride out with Llud on an inspection mission to the estuary.

Rianna has gone to retrieve some of her family’s laundry from the river rocks. I offer to carry the laden basket, she smiles and simpers……….it is an old oft-told tale……..

Neither Llud or Arthur find it strange when I slip out after supper. Both probably imagine that I have gone to rekindle matters with Nuala. By some blighted stroke of luck, Rianna has the family hut to herself. Her father and brothers are away hunting and her mother is in Dirk’s village where Rianna’s older married sister is soon to give birth. When I rap on the wicker, I’m given immediate admittance……….

We are actually almost finished when calamity comes knocking. Naked and chuckling on the sheepskins in front of the hearth. She voluptuously on top of me. My come is dribbling down Rianna’s chin and pooling in the creamy valley between her plump, pink-tipped breasts – and I am reaching up to gently cup and squeeze when…………..

There is a polite scratching at the door……..an oh so familiar voice, “Rianna? Are you here? Since you’re on your own, I thought you might like some of Lenni’s apple and honey pastry. It’s delicious………..”

And standing there, the pastry methodically wrapped in a clean cloth, looking completely stricken……….absolutely disbelieving………..utterly betrayed….. is Arthur…..

 

Part Four

Am I sorry? God, long before Arthur’s beautiful blue eyes meet mine and I am forced to confront his anguish. Rianna is a passionate girl, but there is no desire in me for her. It is all falsehood and sham –although I’m sure she never guesses, if her spirited response is anything to judge by.

Blinking furiously, Arthur drops the pastry to the rushes, gapes, says nothing, backs away, turns……..and we hear his footsteps retreating at a brisk run.

Suddenly every vestige of ardour has fled, spurious or otherwise. Blushing, Rianna cleans herself and dresses and I hastily retrieve my breeches and shirt. Gently I make my farewells, briefly kissing her hair, murmuring about making everything well with Arthur. It is not her concern and she is not to fret.

Outside, under the infinite stars, I stumble past the palisade, somehow find my way to the river, fall to my knees, start to sob………….How could I have been such a fool? Miscalculated so profoundly?

That harrowing blue gaze………….. Oh little brother………my beloved…………

When I stalk back to the longhouse my thunderous face clearly tells its own envenomed fable. Llud opens his mouth to ask what ails me – closes it again before a single word can even emerge, as I stride through to the bedroom. Fling myself furiously into bed. Lying trembling and sleepless.

A little later, I hear Kai return home, talking softly to our father, slipping quietly into the sleeping chamber. I am turned away, huddled against the wall and simply don’t move, remaining rigid. (Another infuriating issue of course, since the wondrous image of that turgid Saxon cock is all I can see behind my eyelids and hence, my own prick refuses to subside.)

Almost soundlessly Kai hangs up his belt, puts his axe beside his bed…………while everything in me burns and bites……..(and yes, stiffens.) Finally he climbs among the sheepskins and his breathing becomes regular. An hour or so passes and Llud comes to bed, grunts and scratches, soon starts to snore. While I simply lie there, more miserable than sin, beyond any comfort or solace I can ever conceive of again.

Of course, it’s really nothing to do with poor bloody Rianna. A nice willing girl, already used badly by me for my own murky purposes since I am really no more interested in her than I am in Gobnat. Whose pretty head is easily turned, that’s all – and by Kai, so how the hell can I blame her? Certainly, if I’d manoeuvred more dextrously, rather than dithering and dallying like an old woman clinging to the hearth, then I may have been the one writhing between her velvety thighs. (Although then, her rapturous squealing would have been far more subdued.)

But, that’s not really the dilemma at all. It is so many other things, more numerous than the stars, more profuse than the estuary sands – and I am a complete, bald-faced liar because it is really only one………….

Not that I wanted to fuck Rianna instead of Kai doing it……….but that I wanted to be fucked by Kai, instead of him fucking Rianna.

Say the words, sear your tongue………be transformed into salt………turned to stone………..

Yet acknowledging the unimaginable doesn’t help. The anger continues to canker. Against fate…….against the world……… against my own impossible cravings…………against Kai.

If I cannot blame Rianna for my gall and indignation then plainly I must blame my big brother………………

Despite everything, I must sleep, dreamlessly, trapped in some black abyss just before dawn, because when I wake up it is full morning. Llud and Kai are gone and Lenni has left some fruit and bread for me on the longhouse table. I take one desultory bite into an apple and then fling it ferociously into the corner. Feeling like weeping, screaming, pounding my fist into the wall until the wicker shatters and my flesh breaks and bleeds.

Yet I can do none of these. I am the chieftain, here to lead by example, be calm and controlled, mannered and practical. The village depends on me for its protection and defence. Lessons inculcated – and sometimes leathered – into me since I was a child. Llud has done his best with a situation not of his choosing. Two boisterous motherless boys, a longhouse lacking a woman always at the hearth, the loss of his own wife and son always fresh in his mind and heart – how can I let him down now?

Not realizing that a cauldron brimming with hot tears and resentment cannot be left to churn and boil too long before welling over…………

Eventually I wander down to the lake, finding Llud and some of the other village men busily building new coracles. The shallow-draft boats, covered by bullock hides, are used by us to catch salmon and other fish. Two men go out, one in each boat, with a net between them – when a fish hits the net, one of the men pulls it in along with the enmeshed fish.

Llud is firmly lashing together willow sticks that have been dried in the shade for the last half year and soaked in water for a week. Green willow cannot be used as it will only shrink and bend. Seeing me, he nods and holds out a knife. “Here, you can give Tugram and me a hand with this – especially as my silver one isn’t that nimble.” Answering my silent question before I ask it. “Your brother’s down helping mend the nets. Now, mind what you're doing and don’t cut these limbs too short.”

Mundane repetitive tasks but at least they keep my body employed – even as my thoughts froth and seethe. Round and round, stutter and stew. When it comes time for the midday meal, I claim my late breakfast and stay down beside the water lilies. Securing crosspieces together with tough sticky tarred line like a maniac, winding each joint in a crisscross fashion with demented ferocity.

When Llud, Tugram and the others return, they whistle softly in admiration. I grimace and keep going, fingers already benumbed and raw. Some time during the afternoon Llud is called away to the cattle byres, a lame beast apparently in urgent need of his ministrations. We work on, every muscle in my back and hands now aching relentlessly.

Then as dusk beckons, Tugram notices that my blade is becoming blunt. “ Not much to finish ……..yet it’s silly to leave such a paltry job until tomorrow. I noticed that Kai sharpened his knife this morning. He’s near the old mooring. Go and borrow it.” As if it is the most natural thing in the world, I obey………….

I am tired to the very marrow of my bones. Little sleep last night, the strain of fooling Arthur into thinking I was slumbering peacefully ( albeit no enraptured moonlight gazing to worry about), up before dawn to elude Arthur, down here at sunrise to begin winding the net shuttle. Relieved when he does not appear to eat in the longhouse at noon, even more grieved when he doesn’t. Only pretending to eat, whittling bread and chicken around my bowl, avoiding Lenni’s anxious glances, evading Llud’s increasingly watchful eyes. Coming back to knot more endless horizontal rows of spun wool.

Brooding, penitent, shamefaced, wretched………….

For most of the day, Iver and Kim have been laboring beside me. But, close to sunset, I tell them to go home. The nets are completed. Just a bit of tidying to do and I will be glad of the chance to be alone, collect my thoughts before returning to the longhouse. If I even dare……………..

What to try? What to say? How to say it………..?

There he is, looping the nets oh so neatly back around their frames. Kai, my big perfect blonde brother who can do everything so much better than me. More effortlessly than me. Actually with no effort at all…………Weave a net……..ensnare a girl…………break my heart………..

I only sense him for an instant before he is upon me. Striking, clouting, clawing. We fall heavily to the ground and roll through the brushwood, his fingers feverishly scratching at my eyes, savagely scrabbling at my throat. I am taller and stronger, able to ward off most of the stinging blows, no matter how deftly aimed. Hating this, hating myself, loving him………..

The fight is brief and brutal. Kai is more powerful and more determined, less frenzied in his movements. He has the upper hand and he is going to win again which just enrages me further……….

Suddenly I simply know that this must end, here and now. In whatever fashion. It is meaningless and stupid. Brutishly I bring back my fist and slam it into Arthur’s eye. Watching him go momentarily limp, hearing his outraged grunt of agony, withering my heart……..

Slowly I scramble away from Arthur, kneeling with my back to him, my head bent. Heaving and gasping. Wondering how I will ever breathe again.

I will never really know what I meant to do. The dull knife has been resting in a sheath at my waist all this time, forgotten. But as I rise to my feet, head pounding, eye screaming with pain, my hand brushes against the soft doeskin – and almost intuitively I draw the blade.

Perhaps I meant to frighten him into admitting…………the unimaginable.

Instead my clumsy foot catches on a tangled vine………I stumble wildly……..I fall forward against Kai……….feel the knife slice through flesh……grate on sinew…….and then all I can see is the blood……….

 

Part Five

The blood is everywhere, strangely dark ruby red instead of bright crimson, tangling in his long hair, drenching his tunic, dribbling into the crushed undergrowth. Kai tries to get to his feet, topples, lies with his knees pulled up to his chest, panting heavily.

 

For a heartbeat I’m fettered by dread and panic – then all at once, tearing off my cloak, wadding it against Kai’s seeping neck, murmuring frantically. “I’m sorry……hold this against the wound………I’ll go get Tugram………Llud……” Whispering other nonsense, doing other bumbling doltish things. Making sure that the cape is plugged tightly enough to stem the spurting blood, before racing back to Tugram. Shouting that Kai has suffered a bad gash, needs Lenni’s attention.

 

Then I simply take to my heels and flee………. until my stomach muscles burn and I cannot breathe without my throat catching fire. Finally halting somewhere in the forest, lying down among the bracken, too appalled even for tears…………

 

It is the angriest I have seen Llud since……….no, I cannot recall him ever being this provoked before. From the flattened brushwood he can tell immediately that we have fought – and the sight of me, splattered in blood, leaning awkwardly against Tugram as we limp up the bank…………..Well, not exactly a vision to gladden any loving father’s heart.

 

“Get straight to Lenni and let her look at that. Probably worse than it appears. But it can easily get infected.” His voice is low, agonized, barely under his mastery. “Where’s your brother?” I shrug helplessly, grimacing with pain, smelling the stink of salt and metal from the drying blood. “No matter.” Llud smiles grimly. “He has to come home sooner or later.”

 

With a nod of thanks toward Tugram, he slings his good arm around my shoulders, careful to keep Arthur’s staunching cloak in place and we continue silently up to Lenni’s hut. Her face when we stumble through the door………….and Ana so recently gone from us. I am ashamed and mortified all over again.

 

“Well, I’ll leave you to it and come back in a little while. Thank you Lenni.” Llud gives another rictus grin and ducks back outside. Very gently, Lenni peels away Arthur’s blood-soaked cape, presses the wound tenderly with her deft fingers, makes a reassuring gesture. “Not so bad……….deep but clean……..the blade can’t have had a very keen edge, thank the gods.”

 

By the time she has cleansed the cut, packed it with a centaury salve and bound soft linen bandages across my neck, I am calmer. My hand still trembles as I raise the warm mead cup she gives me and my mind is still dementedly tumbling – yet I am already certain of one thing. This has been all my fault and the restitution must be mine too. Although where to begin……….?

 

“It was an accident Lenni. Arthur didn’t mean……..” I put down the goblet and tentatively bite into one of the bannocks she offers. Sweet and bursting with cherries. As sweet as……….No, not yet……….in a quieter moment when I’ve had time to……..

 

Almost indignantly, Lenni signs her reply. “I know that Kai. I’m not stupid. You’ve quarreled over harebrained Rianna. Not worth your time and effort. All last spring she vied Fyrsil and Roibin off against each other. Just a silly player of games.” Truly irascible now, she throws the bloody basin of water into the fire, turning as Llud slips back inside the door. “Here, he’s going to be fine. A good night’s rest and I’ll change the wrappings after breakfast tomorrow.” I cannot be sure…….yet as Llud and I leave, I could swear that Lenni’s pretty brown eyes are shining with unshed tears…………

 

Stretching my cramped muscles, at last I decide that whatever must be confronted……. I am muddy and miserable and shivering with cold since my cloak must now be a filthy bloodied rag, fit only for the flames. Numbed by my cowardice. Aghast at my lunacy. And there is something more………..

 

The nonsense that I whispered as I tried to dam Kai’s blood with my cloak…….. “ It will be alright my Kai…….it will be alright because I love you…oh I love you….” The bumbling doltish things that I did…………kissing his forehead and his cheeks with a fervour that was anything but brotherly…………

 

His beautiful startled incredulous brown eyes…………..

 

I would rather face a legion of enraged Lluds than the revulsion and horror that I know I will see in Kai’s gaze when he looks at me…………

 

While Llud builds up the fire, the moment finally arrives to challenge what happened between Arthur and I while he knelt beside me swathing my bleeding neck. His ardently whispered endearment……..his impassioned declaration of love……….the sweetness of those warm satin-soft lips brushing against my skin……….

 

Llud notices how I suddenly shudder………luckily does not mark how I suddenly stiffen and where.

 

What can it possibly……….and then Arthur steps quietly through the longhouse doors……..

 

Kai is sitting beside the hearth, his wound now neatly bandaged, golden and dazzling……and I have lost him forever, as a brother, as a friend……… as my heart…..

 

Slowly Llud rises to his feet and delivers the inevitable ferocious tongue lashing while I stand beside the table, silent and unmoving. I take in some of it……..how I must learn to curb my temper………how ridiculous it was to war over a girl………how I was lucky that my blade was so dull, lest Kai's wound…………the responsibilities of leadership and my people’s expectations are reiterated again and again and again………….

 

All the while I take care not to meet Kai’s eyes, to keep mine strictly averted, concentrating fiercely on the scarred wood beneath my hands.

 

And how would he - and Llud – react if I did exactly what I hanker to do right here, right now? Cross the floor in one flying stride, cup his wondrous face between my reverent palms, kiss his luscious mouth slowly……….unhurriedly…………lingeringly? Would I ascend to heaven……….or be cast into eternal exile?

 

Finally Llud ceases to take a breath. “Well, I trust that at least this will be a salutary lesson in what can happen when you don't maintain proper control. Now, you had better go to Lenni so she can deal with that eye of ours.” For the first time that night I become aware that my eye is steadily throbbing where Kai so deservedly punched me. Llud sighs and pours another cup of mead, empties a sleeping draught into it, obviously for Kai. “If you were younger I would leather you within an inch of……..well, whatever. As it is……your brother is my prime concern tonight so you can just stay up in Lenni’s hut. I don’t want you home until I say so.”

 

Cautiously I open my mouth to apologize or agree or………Thinking that I am going to object, Llud’s ire vehemently spills over. He yells fit to arouse the Picts in the frost of the north. “This is still Travon’s longhouse until you come of age and that is not until next summer. I am still Travon’s lieutenant and my word stands. Now go.”

 

Never guessing with what intense relief I obey his incensed command………..anything to evade my big brother’s knowing gaze.

 

“I’ve been expecting you. You won’t be able to see too clearly out of that bruised eye for a few days, you silly fool.” Lenni’s rueful greeting, ready with her marigold poultice, her hot honeyed wine and delicious cherry bread, her tender smile. I realise that I am ravenous as well as bone-tired. Gladly giving in to her ministrations. Asking wearily if I can stay the night. Refusing to even contemplate the possibility of the dawn breaking tomorrow…………..

 

She spreads a fresh blanket over one of the pallets, neatly rearranges the sheepskins. “Don't worry, Kai's neck will mend. It may scar but otherwise, they'll be no infection and no lasting damage.” Oh Lenni, my ever-optimistic, lovely little village healer. You don't yet fully know of what you speak...........

 

The sleeping potion works quickly and soon I am very drowsy. So then I am not sure………Some of Llud’s words sound slurred as he helps me into the sleeping chamber and pulls off my boots, tucking the sheepskins carefully around me as if I were still a child. Yet I think that he says something like this………..

 

“No use playing the fatherly advantage here Kai. This quarrel has nothing to do with some flighty girl – I think you and I both know what the problem is here - but I also think that its way too early to discuss it. Moreover you’re exhausted……….. Love is a most costly commodity. The more you are willing to pay, the more valuable the price."

 

“The question is, will you be willing to pay the price one day Kai? If it perhaps becomes a question of risking everything, gambling everything for cold ashes or the moon……… Although you may just find that you land right amidst the stars. Oh my wonderful beloved boys………….”

 

Then the darkness descends……….and the next day it is as though nothing has ever been said between us…………..

 

Part Six

My one less desolate memory of that anguished time……… During the night, the tears that have steadfastly refused to fall, at last overwhelm while I toss fitfully on one of Lenni’s pallets. I come awake to feel Lenni climbing under the fleeces beside me, making soothing gestures, holding me close when I weep as if my heart is breaking – since indeed it is…………

 

“You’re a wonderful girl Lenni. We’d never survive without you.” Hiccupping spasmodically, gratefully accepting a cloth from her to wipe away my smeared snot. Reflecting wilily, that despite everything, Lenni is one of the few people on earth whom I can bear to see me in such a pitiable state. Of the other two..........one is now consumed by rage against me and the other............no, I am too craven to even speculate.............

 

Suddenly Lenni interrupts my cowardly brooding with her furiously flying fingers. “You only say that because..........you know that you would survive since needs must.........as you've learned to survive without your mother..........as I've had to learn to survive without mine” And, without warning, she too begins to weep.

 

It is as instinctive as my beating heart.........Tenderly I bend to kiss her, Lenni's mouth warm and uncertain against mine. Then succulent and moist, as gradually, shyly we explore each other's lips and tongues. Breaking away to smile reassuringly and beginning again, less timidly this time.

 

Her supple body goes liquid and every lovely curve presses……….smooth lines, firm muscles, fragrant skin.

 

Gently, I pull Lenni between my knees and thread my arms around her neck, my fingers moving softly through her glossy dark hair, pressing her mouth harder to mine. Our hips grind fiercely into each other, Lenni closing her eyes, still contentedly smiling, low guttural whimpers escaping my throat.

 

Her hand tentatively snakes from my waist to my back, slips up under my tunic, my skin burning where her fingers ripple, a tingling heat and a spreading dampness invading my groin. I cup one taut breast beneath her shift, sweep an appraising thumb over her ripe nipple, feel the appreciative groan vibrating soundlessly through her chest.

 

Looking straight into Lenni’s wide brown eyes, I ask silently if……..and determinedly she nods, biting her lip. My cock is full and swollen now, thrusting savagely against my breeches but I am unsure………….

 

Cautiously I lick a finger and glide it between the juicy folds of Lenni’s lower lips, scrolling further inside her wet glistening bounty, watching her gasp and squirm. Dipping a second and third serpentine finger within………..Lenni’s eyes flying jubilantly open as she bounds against my writhing hand.

 

We chuckle conspiratorially together, she kisses me hotly, deliciously, my blossoming prick brushes against her creamy thigh through the wool of my breeches………and in the same moment we draw slowly apart…………..

 

It is magical and tender and sweet………..and utterly wrong (albeit, several months later Lenni will tell me ruefully how regretful she is that we did not properly conclude matters that night, since her first time, with one of Hereward’s handsome warriors at a village wedding, will consist of a quick fuck in a byre and he rolling away to snore sonorously until dawn…………and several years later we will remedy matters properly one drunken Yule………)

 

“I’m sorry.” We say and sign it together, laughing quietly, totally without self-consciousness or dismay. No matter how fond we are of each other, we both know that she wishes she were with someone else……….a certain comely blonde Saxon, undoubtedly slumbering under the influence of her sleeping draught. As for me………

 

Apologetically I graze my lips across her forehead. “You’re in love with Kai…….and I’ve only had one girl. She wasn’t inexperienced so I’m not really certain……… It would be wrong of me to………do this and do it badly……hurt you.” I give an ironic grin. “See all the marvels that Rianna has forfeited.” Smiling, she returns the kiss, against the corner of my mouth, against my inflamed eye. “Silly bitch.......and I'm actually not one bit sorry about what we just..........shared. It could have been pleasing to learn more together………but no matter. Perhaps you had better…..” and she gestures wilily toward my throbbing cock.

 

By the time, I have returned from the privy – reflecting dryly that if she and I had been really serious we might have removed at least one item of clothing, even if just a stocking – Lenni is back in her bed. I go to sprawl on my pallet, but she throws back the fleeces beside her. “Please Arthur, I would welcome it.”

 

So we lay, comfortably ensconced among the sheepskins, holding each other close. “This is so nice ………it’s simply been lonely here at night since my mother died.” She burrows her black head into my chest. “Tomorrow, fix this stupid quarrel with Kai. Life is too precious………….and it is something that can be mended, unlike my mother – and yours………”

 

Soon her breathing grows peaceful and I draw her nearer, staring intensely into the fire. Lenni cannot yet guess………… (although it will not be that long until she shrewdly leaps to the correct conclusion.)

 

Her forthright logic however has cleared my stupid addled head. My One God alone knows what I thought to do for the rest of my life, where to hide, how to strip my heart……….

 

No, what is the old Roman adage? What cannot be cured must be endured? Well, assuredly my love for Kai is incurable, so endured it must be. Until forever…….and if he has gleaned the plight of my heart from yesterday’s fumbling declarations, then endurance will be a mild antidote……….

 

Llud shakes me gently awake some time after dawn. “If you’re feeling a little better, there are reports of Saxons moving too close for comfort along our eastern boundaries. I’d like you to ride out scouting with a few of the others.” In fact, I am much fresher today, my neck wound only aching dully, the sleeping potion having bequeathed a sound night’s rest. And the distraction will be more than agreeable……..not having to ponder over the real meaning of Arthur’s murmured endearments by the lake……….eluding the irksome question of how to act if they did not issue from the heart……..and the even more terrifying prospect that they did………

 

Lenni comes to rouse me after serving the breakfast in the longhouse, returning with a steaming bowl of porridge. “Kai has gone scouting and Llud would like to see you.” She grins in amusement. “Your eye isn’t a pretty sight this morning.” It is swollen shut and raw. Kai’s fist though may be a more palatable alternative to Llud’s remaining gall.

 

Yet, although our father is still stern and assigns me a seemingly infinite pile of bridles to clean and polish, his enmity has been largely quelled. He even deigns to ruffle my hair as I roost on the stable floor, rag and grease in hand. “Travon and I fought once or twice over girls before we were both married………only natural I suppose. Like rutting stags in spring. Your brother will be back by sunset. Perhaps you should meet him and make things right. Wounds left to fester always turn venomous.” Smiling kindly, he strides outside into the watery sunshine, leaving me breathless, close to tears, every sinew pulp and thistle..........

 

I suspect that there never were any nefarious Saxons lurking beside our eastern boundaries. Certainly we see no trace of them in the forest, towards the estuary, near the river. Rather it was an astute ruse of Llud’s to get me safely away from the village for the day, let matters lull and settle. Moreover, mythical flaxen-haired invaders or not, when we ride home at dusk I imagine that I am much calmer.

 

Sending the others on ahead to the village, I wander down to the lake where yesterday we tumbled and clawed, the undergrowth still flattened at my feet. Gaze, seemingly tranquilly, at the rippling lilies. Trying to ignore my thudding heart and sweaty palms and faltering breath.

 

Arthur is my brother. I love him more than anyone else in the world – as well as being rapturously in love with him. Whatever the quandaries or entanglements we will face them and it will all be alright, as long as we confront……..

 

And then there is a soft footfall, a quiet rustling of brushwood……..and I realise, heart now thundering, hands now drenched, breath now completely stilled, that he is standing right behind me……..

 

Part Seven

In the end, words are simply tawdry, hollow, worthless things……..

 

Without turning from the lilies he holds out his hand……..

 

And he grasps it tight, nuzzling my shoulder, savagely entwining our fingers………

 

(‘Kai my heart…….my all………..my life………..’…………my wheeling thoughts)

 

(‘Oh my beloved………..my dearest love……….’………..my whirling head)

 

“I’m sorry big brother……….”

 

“So sorry little brother……….”

 

Craving, itching, yearning, to kiss that beautiful honeyed mouth………

 

To crush those trembling ripe lips against mine………….

 

“Your poor neck, Lenni said it might scar.”

 

“Well, I’ll wear it as a mark of brotherly honour. Anyway, your eye might not always be blemished, but you’re certainly not as handsome as you can be today.”

 

We laugh softly, hands still fervently interwoven……….and I want to stay exactly like this until the end of time.

 

Melting with relief, weak and light-headed with gratitude…………..

 

Then determinedly I clear my throat. “When you were bleeding………I think I said some foolish nonsense, did some foolish nonsense that might have startled you…….But it was nothing, meant nothing………simply the sorrow and horror……”

 

‘I would rather have one breath of your hair my Kai, one kiss from your mouth, one touch of your hand………than eternity without it………..’

 

 

Arthur drops his gaze, clearly embarrassed and disconcerted. Nonetheless, despite his protestations……….. Our fingers remain fiercely interlaced. He is here and real and I love him more than I ever thought possible………….

 

Stupidly, recklessly I open my mouth to declare myself………..I am about to say it when I see the tears gleaming in Arthur’s wondrous blue eyes, the sound one and the sore……… and realise that this is utter madness. Hubris of the gods. Yesterday I had been bloody and dazed – Arthur, frightened and stricken, no more or less than that. Furiously I shake my head………

 

And the moment passes.

 

My little brother reacted exorbitantly as so many much older men do in the midst of battle and he is not even yet a fully blooded warrior. It never signified………..what I so hoped and will ever hanker for.

 

Frenziedly I shake my head again and Arthur slips a restraining arm gently around my shoulders. “Careful……..you’ll dislodge those bandages and then we’ll be in deeper strife.”

 

 

Kai cuffs me lightly. “About anything that might have happened yesterday………..we all act rashly little brother, mutter folly when we’re astonished by the intensity of our emotions. Rage, passion, fury - they make us babble and blubber. Think nothing of it.”

 

The overwhelming sense of reprieve………..he does not realise……….never need know if I keep close guard of my desires, curb my winging heart……….

 

And so we sit down beside the shadowy water and Arthur tenderly rests his silky dark head on my shoulder….simply two brothers rejoicing in reconciliation………..sharing the quiet and the promise of a peaceable tomorrow……….until Lenni comes to shoo us, smiling, into supper………..

 

 

 

Just before dawn I have a dream. Most of it something that really once happened. It is summer and I am about eleven, Arthur and Lenni nine. Past supper time and we are waiting outside the longhouse doors that are unaccountably locked. We are hungry and tired - and through the wicker drifts the enticing aroma of roast meat. Why aren’t we being admitted to enjoy that mouthwatering venison?

 

Suddenly the doors fly open and there is Lenni’s mother Ana, looking somewhat flushed and very fetching, Llud standing behind her with a contented grin. “Well, you three had better come in and eat, I suppose.” He shepherds us inside, absently patting our tousled heads. Ana laughs gently at our dishevelled appearance. “ After that, baths in front of the fire – you all look as if you’ve been rolling in mud.” (A fairly accurate description of our afternoon’s rambling in the woods and around the lake.) She smiles and goes to put out the wooden bowls.

 

Now, of course, I know that she and Llud had been indulging in a little afternoon delight, leaving them both mellow and happy. Humming as she bends over me to fill my bowl, Ana smells fragrantly of musk and love. Then, all at once, reality merges into dream as Ana puts a slender finger under my chin and tilts my face upwards.

 

“You know Kai, there is something you should remember more often. The past is like rain – necessary to nourish our souls and nice to dance in now and again. But the present and the future……….for you, they are summer sunshine, rich and warm and golden. Bask in it every day. If ever a man was more loved………” And I see tears shining in Ana’s pretty brown eyes that are also Maeve’s, I put up a hand to comfort her………….. and come awoke abruptly, something bouncing insistently against my knees.

 

“Here Uncle Kai, you sleepy head.” Luc, jumping gleefully on my bed, holding out a plate of bread and honey, grinning like a blue-eyed imp. “Daddy wants to know if you want to visit the trader or help build the new winter byres.” Arthur being funny since he thinks he’s already certain of the answer - my preference for anything but hammering and maslin being legendary within our family.

 

All at once though, as I bite into the sweet succulent bread, I'm flooded by a desire to be nowhere than precisely where I am in this exact moment – here in the village that is my home, surrounded by the comforting and the familiar and the precious, here in the place that holds my heart. It is a feeling that has only strengthened since we swore the treaty with Cerdig a few months ago: that finally now, what is cherished can also be preserved instead of relentlessly defended…….. I playfully ruffle Luc’s black hair. “Tell your father that it’s my turn to lay the weathering thatch. Those cows need to be snug and dry when the snows come.”

 

I'm buckling on my sword belt when Arthur appears in the doorway, smiling quizzically. “I’ve told Llud he can ride down to the trader with me and he’s gone off scampering like a boy to fetch Olwen……..Are you sure that you want to stay in charge of the encampment though, big brother? Don’t you feel well?” Firmly I shake my head. “Perfectly well……just one of those days when I’d prefer to linger close to home. Besides, Olwen will love the expedition – she and Llud will hold hands and skip along the beach like a pair of besotted striplings.”

 

“If you’re sure.” Arthur still doesn’t seem entirely convinced. “Is there anything in particular you’d like then?” Now what answer to offer that deliciously open-ended question…….?

 

Looking up meaningfully, I give a slow lascivious wink. Making Arthur bite his lip and raise a suggestive dark eyebrow, mindful of the waiting men sitting around the longhouse table, a few feet away. “Yes, well……and so do I…….but I meant from the trader.” Very deliberately I bend over to pull on my boots. Stretching my breeches tight across my arse.

 

“From the trader little brother?……..oh……oil should suffice…… thick and fragrant, suitable for coating………anything that just might need a bit of slick and polish. But you can choose……..I have utter faith in your judgement.” And I grin wickedly, feeling infinitely better this morning.

 

In fact……….I slip behind Arthur on the pretext of getting through the door. From where I stand I can quite plainly see something usually hidden by that sleek fall of raven satin, left bare by Lenni’s recent barbering, although something much nicer than a scar……… The ticklish dimple at the base of his neck, that Arthur so loves to have kissed or blown upon……as I teasingly do now……… my breath soft and warm…… enjoying the subterfuge, nodding affably at the unsuspecting warriors lounging in the next room,

 

Hearing Arthur’s sharp rapturous gasp in response. Watching my little brother’s knees clench. “This afternoon, down by the lake, at dusk.” Arthur’s fervently whispered reply. “Remember to dismiss the sentry.”

 

Striding outside, I call to Luc and to my boys, Theo and Cedric to hurry, get their ponies and follow me up to the half-finished byres. Laugh with Olwen who is wreathed in smiles and excitedly clutching Llud’s good hand. Tease Kaitlin who is punctiliously explaining to Maeve which spices their mothers have requested that they barter for and why: “…..dried ground pepper for seasoning meat……ginger as a remedy for queasiness…….cloves for relieving toothache.” Suddenly I am suffused by sheer happiness, remembering Ana’s dream admonition. An absolutely commonplace, absolutely prosaic, perfectly wonderful day.

 

Rowena appears around the side of the longhouse, rubbing her aching back and I help her lift Shannyn over the fence. They are on their way up to feed the goats. Well, more than one way to charm a hollow-horned billy it is commonly said……..and certainly more than one to blanch a scar……

 

 

Not long after we return laden from the trader, Mark’s mother, my Aunt Lia, rides in with her attendants on the way to Cornwall. “I thought I would stop for some of Lenni’s remarkable cooking and a good gossip…..Arthur, Corin sends his greetings……Rowena, you’re looking so well, my dear……..what are you? Five months? I’ll sure that if I’d ever had more than two children you could have ridden to market on my bottom” (this from a woman always as willowy as a sapling)……….Oh Llud, you appear younger every time I see you.” And the two embrace, smiling delightedly at each other, wrapped around by shared memories.

 

Which makes it much easier to offer my excuses……….murmuring vaguely about checking on…………something……….and hurrying down to the lake……..

 

Part Eight

Kai my heart –  
You’re waiting down near the old mooring where the track above the lake curves toward the forest, where the undergrowth clusters thick and dark, where once I gifted you that pearly sickle……….

 

Now I press my lips fervently against its crescent silver, your blonde gossamer tickling my nose, breathing in the miracle of your fresh heady scent.

 

Slowly I drag my tunic up over my stomach and fling it among the brushwood, watching you smile, tenderly….. teasingly…… appreciatively…… my nipples hardening under your intense gaze. I let my hands slip forward and brush them, encouraging their stiffness. Pull them forcibly a few times, until they are aching and rigid.

 

You start to moan deep in your throat, looking at me twist and wring. Growing slick and damp inside my breeches, grinning wildly when you begin to stroke your huge cock passionately through your own breeches. Leaning forward I kiss you mischievously, nibbling your mouth softly before we part, wantonly licking my lips.

 

“Fancy a taste, oh love of my life? I ask, arching my back so my chest is directly in front of your face.

 

Murmuring assent, you catch my taut nipple with your lush mouth, sucking it in deeply, titillating it with your wet tongue, grappling it between your sharp white teeth. Groaning happily, I feel your fingers snake around, grabbing my arse.

 

Suddenly you sink backwards, settling against one of the rough hewn seats where the villagers perch to mend their nets, bringing my knees up beside your slender thighs so I can sit astride. Guiding me into place with your dextrous hands, grinding me down on your bourgeoning prick.

 

Ferociously you continue to suck, kneading my arse cheeks, spreading and releasing as you lap. It is exquisite, making me squirm and whimper, making you arch one provocative flaxen eyebrow. Then you release my sated nipple, rosy from your savage nurturing, and entrap my other hard tit, burying it between your moist lips, delivering a wolfish nip.

 

Without warning, you raise a hand and bring it down sharply against my arse, the fiery vibrations thrumming deliciously in my surging shaft. Then spank me harder a second time, continuing to relentlessly circle and suck, both nipples now flushed and turgid.

 

I shudder rapturously as I come unfettered from your warm mouth and you cup my nape, devouring me in an exuberant kiss, your tongue rapaciously thrusting. Conquering and claiming in time to your serpentine hips as they buck under me. Rutting into your lap, watching your beautiful eyes pool with desire.

 

Slipping downwards I plant my feet on the leafy ground, coming to my knees between yours, rippling my hands up your lithe thighs, until they are resting on either side of your bulging manhood. Spidering my fingers, I trickle them along your straining length. You shiver, elated, and raise your hips.

 

Grinning joyously, I tug at your breeches, letting your magnificent golden cock free.

 

There it is, glistening at me, the verdant cherry head ripe to be consumed, the shaft thick and strong, throbbing invitingly. Kissing the tip, I lick greedily at your pearly come, savouring the taste, the salty tang pervading my mouth, making me ravenous for more. Relishing the tight head upon my lips, slowly smearing them with your creamy issue.

 

Closing my eyes, I take in your helmet, its smoothness caressing my tongue, beginning to suck softly at you. As your hands twine through my hair, I engulf more, sucking harder, your hot girth tautening my jaw.

 

At last you slide wholly in, the familiar sweet onslaught pressing against the back of my gullet.

 

Euphorically I start to fuck my own throat with your prick, rhythmically impaling myself, fondling your succulent balls in one warm hand. You pulsate into my mouth, moaning loudly, gazing at me worshipping your cock, your fingers snagging fervidly across my scalp.

 

Gasping for breath, lavishing attention with my scrolling tongue, I feel you swell harder against my throat, your body tensing, your hips rigidly bracing…………you’re so close………….

 

Once more I reach up to stroke your balls, tenderly squeezing them………..and sobbing violently you come, drenching my mouth in your musky essence, sighing brokenly as you slip from my lips.

 

Plunging my hand into your thick cream, I bring my sticky fingers to your mouth, shuddering when you languidly lick them clean. “Can’t waste a single drop my Kai.”

 

I start to climb to my feet, laughing quietly. “And now big brother, we’d better hasten back to the longhouse – although I’ll need to visit the privy first . Aunt Lia has arrived and Lenni is preparing…….”

 

I get not one word further………

 

All at once, you are upon me and, as if I am sixteen again, we are tumbling through the undergrowth………..only this time…………..

 

Your luscious mouth is slanted over mine in what is immediately a full fledged kiss, the firm flourishes of your ripe tongue plundering……..sacking………ravishing me…………

 

Brown eyes hooding with need, you peel away my breeches, kindling fire across my leaking tip with your darting licks. Enraptured, I toss my head, low groans and whimpers of bliss escaping, pulling you forward, vehemently urging you on.

 

The way your adept tongue works the underside of my stiff throbbing shaft……..heavenly shivers pulsing down my spine……you, beginning to suck in a steady impassioned flow………..in and out…………jubilantly consuming and withdrawing again and again……….arching my back…………convulsing my hips………intoxicating my soul………

 

Until I soar and crest and reel…………..higher than any falcon or lark………..

 

Descending to your dazzling grin………… “You taste good my love”………and again my heart takes flight………

 

Miraculously we are still in time for supper and Lenni’s divine venison. Even more of a miracle, since we linger and cosset like a pair of lovesick calves all the way there.

 

“The day after I gave you the scar was the first time that we really held hands.”

 

“Yes, but when I was bleeding just after the fight………that was the first time you called me my Kai and kissed me……. not exactly in a brotherly fashion. Then we both pretended nothing had happened………( a knowing smile)………You still must have been falling in love with me.”

 

“No I wasn’t………I was already completely fallen…… utterly lost.”

 

“……..Gambling for cold ashes or the moon………and landing right amidst the stars.”

 

“What my heart?”

 

“Oh just something Llud said back then - about loving you – how wondrous it would be – and as usual, he was right.”

 

“I want so badly to kiss you again………”

 

“Well, you can’t beloved. We’re here……..and that deer smells ambrosial. Although………… I wager you can somehow kiss me once more before we sleep, even with Lia visiting.”

 

(A delighted chuckle) “But you’re such a hopeless gambler my Kai.”

 

“Little brother you don’t understand………..where you’re concerned I can’t lose…..your love has made me the luckiest man alive……….”

 

Lia is always lively company – twice so with a few goblets of rich adder’s sting under her girdle. (Fresh from the Aquitania trader and decidedly potent.) Tutting over how completely spoiled rotten Mark and Eithna’s children are – “a good leathering wouldn’t go astray sometimes in that longhouse but don’t dare tell them I said that.” Waxing lyrical about what a wonderful husband Corin is to her daughter Braith – “And to think Kai, she once had her heart set on you, funny where the river of life – and love- eventually flows.” Promising that her elusive husband, Urien of Gore, will leave his northern mountain fastness to visit Arthur before the winter and discuss Pict encroachments – “Yes, I know that he always says that he’ll come and then sends me in his stead………yet you must admit Arthur, I’m as knowledgeable about military strategy as any man…………your grandfather Lucas Hael taught Vala and I well.”

 

Soon enough though my eyelids start to droop. My boys and Luc are already asleep among the sheepskins in front of the fire, worn out by thatching and daubing and the girls have been reluctantly herded off to their sleeping alcove. Llud and Lia, Lenni and Rowena, seem comfortably settled in with their wine and sweetmeats for a few hours yet – although I’m fairly sure Arthur is becoming drowsy in his great carved chair. (Well, none of them have had quite the……….exertions of we two this afternoon……….)

 

Scooping up Ren, I retreat to the sleeping chamber, Lia’s fearless, if slightly slurred, words following me and making me grin. “You’re so fortunate Lenni……….Young Braith did always have exquisite taste………that is still a magnificent bum.” Hurriedly I shut the wicker door as I hear Llud spluttering loudly into his mead. Ensconce Ren in his basket and lay down thankfully among the fleeces, pulling the coverings close. Almost drifting off to sleep……

 

A thread of light and laughter from the next room. Arthur coming to bed, Shannyn over one shoulder. Gently he tucks her beneath her grandmother Catrin’s emerald blanket. Then I feel the brush of his warm lips against my forehead. “See, I have managed to kiss you again…….I love you Kai my heart.” I smile dozily, perfectly content. “And I you beloved.” Close my eyes again, as Arthur climbs into his bed. Sigh happily. Listening to Llud chuckling quietly at something Lia is relating about Mark, Rowena throwing in a tart remark.

 

Sleepy blissful silence. Then……… sleepy blissful whispering……… “Did you know, my Kai, that I used to look at you sleeping in the moonlight during my first lovesick summer?” Oh………. hot tears pressing against my eyelids. When I glance up, his blue eyes are soft and silken. “Yes, I’ve always known………because I was only pretending to be asleep and looking right back the whole time.”

 

Heavens, what is suddenly misting that beautiful midnight blue gaze? Arthur smiles teasingly. “So what would you have done if you’d guessed back then? Leapt over here?” Firmly I shake my head. “No need to rush when you have forever, I’d have taken things slowly and simply done this little brother.” And I put out my hand and clasp his, entwining our fingers fiercely in the space between our beds, melting with love.

 

Thus we fall asleep…….until “Excuse me.” Llud, more than a little drunk and a little irritated, growling in a low voice since Ren and Shannyn are still slumbering, undisturbed. “It would be nice if a man could reach his own bed without the need to untangle a skein of moonstruck fools on the way.” Stomping to the corner and instantly, rapturously snoring. Arthur and I grinning ruefully at each other.

 

Soon after, I hear Rowena sliding in beside Arthur, not mellowed by wine since she drinks sparingly, yet clearly mellowed by the good-humoured evening. “Move over your own magnificent bum Arthur and make room.” Lia comes stumbling to one of the pallets, far too befuddled to risk reaching the guest quarters upright. Then I feel Lenni nestling against my back, smelling sweetly of honey and citrus. There will be a few rather raw heads in the longhouse tomorrow morning………….

 

“Is he looking?………I hope so………yes……..my beautiful Kai…… How could we have been such stupid dolts?..........At least it didn’t take us that long to come to our senses……really………. I am nothing but a ludicrous, hankering, lustful, lovesick goat and it is the most breathtaking thing in the world……….. looking at my big brother in the moonlight like a besotted languishing simpleton………and I am going to do it forever…………”

 

"Is he looking?..........I hope so……….yes……..I am completely moonsick and so I shall stay until the end of time……….And finally I am a bloody poet……..My raven-haired angel, glowing in the moon’s radiance, evermore cradling me in his wings……..there, I am improving……I think………Oh who cares?.......Because he’s smiling at me and he’s my little brother……..the love of my life……the love of a lifetime……and his name is Arthur………”


End file.
